Fighting secretly with a mental health disease was almost the worse mistake I ever made. For years I battled in silence where only a small handful of my closest inner circle knew of my plight. However, no one except for me knew the entire extent of my pain. Moreover, I realized that giving up should never be an option to solve my mental health pain.
My downward spiral culminated in September 2019 shortly after reading an article about a pastor, a mental health advocate, committing suicide. Sitting in my home office, alone in my thoughts — not wanting to get out of the chair, I thought how simple it would be for me to end it all. I thought that surely my friends and family would understand. Certainly, the people in my close circle would have empathy for me knowing that my pain had ended.
Being a Very Analytical Person May Have Saved My Life
My wife has told me on numerous occasions, “Jackie, you overanalyze everything”. As I sat in my office chair, I thankfully analyzed the pros and cons of ending my pain. The only pro I could identify was that my pain would end. Quickly realizing however how selfish it would be of me, my thoughts went to the others in my life. My thoughts went to those who would have suffered great pain from my early departure.
My family, especially my nieces and nephews, would have been crushed. Also, given that not many knew of my true mental state, my friends would have likely wondered why.
But most importantly, my bride of nearly 25 years would have been devastated. Tammy would have objurgated herself by thinking she had not done more to help. For this reason, I chose life and came out about my depression. For many years I had battled this demon in silence and I simply could not continue. I finally realized that giving up was not an option.
My Story Is Not Finished
My story is not yet finished. I live for my family and friends and I live for my bride. And I live for the future people whom my life’s path may cross; those who will hopefully be touched in some way by me. Giving up should never be an option. God has a plan for me that He is working through.
In case you have not noticed, I close all of my blogs with a semicolon. This simply means that my story is not finished. There is more to come; I have more to give. So I continue to press on — to complete the race which He has laid before me so that I too can say as Paul wrote to Timothy:
For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time for my departure is close. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. There is reserved for me in the future the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on that day, and not only to me, but to all those who have loved His appearing. - 2 Timothy 4:6-8
If you made it this far, please consider commenting below, subscribing, and also sharing on your social media sites. Most importantly, I ask for your prayers. I write this weekly blog as an outlet in my fight against depression. However, my hope is that something I write here may help others who may be struggling. If you would like to help with my battle against depression, check out my online Etsy store and affiliate links. Most proceeds are donated to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
If you or someone you know may be contemplating suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or by dialing 988. You may also text HOME to 741741 to reach the Crisis Text Line. In emergencies, call 911, or seek care from a local hospital or mental health provider.
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