A few days ago I blogged A Beautiful Morning Shrouded in Darkness in which I mused about faith and darkness. If you have not yet read the post, please check it out; let me know your thoughts please in the comment section. Today I want to touch on this topic a little more; perhaps bring some further clarity into my thorn of the flesh.
Living with Depressed Thoughts
I once read, and forgive me as I do not recall the source, that a follower of Christ, who is not experiencing some troubles, should check their walk with Him. Moreover, please know that I am not tooting my own horn here but my walk with Christ must be fairly good. From the outside, it may appear that I have everything together and live the perfect life. And why wouldn’t people think that I have everything under control?
Let’s face it, I have a beautiful bride who loves me and my flaws. We have a nice house and I am gainfully employed by a large and stable company. We live on the Outer Banks just steps away from the Atlantic Ocean. However, the optics of someone’s mental wellbeing is not always evident. You never know what a person, who appears to have it all together, maybe suffering on the inside. Deep down inside, the depression and separation anxiety I have borne nearly my entire life has taken a toll on my psyche.
Imagine worrying about everything while at the same time caring about nothing. That is anxiety with depression and that is me. For many years I struggled to understand what was going on in my mind. Each year with the onset of the holidays, I could guarantee that my general mood would slowly degrade. This mental state would typically only occur during the months of November and December and then subside after Christmas.
In September of 2019, Jarrid Wilson, a pastor of a megachurch and an outspoken proponent of mental health issues committed suicide. The day before his suicide he shared the below Tweet.
It was shortly after hearing of this and reading Jarrid’s story did I realize that I needed to seek help. Tammy has always known that holidays were difficult for me, and she has shown great patience with me during those times. However, she did not know the depths of my pain. I needed more. I needed to become more open about my depression and to seek out prayer from others. I considered counseling however, still uncomfortable talking about my disease, I knew that would likely be impossible. During a visit to the doctor for my yearly physical, I asked if there was something medicinal he could prescribe to help clear my mind of the dark thoughts. He prescribed Lexapro initially however, after a few months we finally settled on 150mg Sertraline.
We know when this started but I am not ready to share. Telling that part of my thorn and why I have such severe separate anxiety is too hard for me to write about. Maybe someday I will have the courage.
If you made it this far, please consider commenting below, subscribing, and also sharing on your social media sites. Most importantly, I ask for your prayers. I write this weekly blog as an outlet in my fight against depression. However, my hope is that something I write here may help others who may be struggling. If you would like to help with my battle against depression, check out my online Etsy store and affiliate links. Most proceeds are donated to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
If you or someone you know may be contemplating suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or by dialing 988. You may also text HOME to 741741 to reach the Crisis Text Line. In emergencies, call 911, or seek care from a local hospital or mental health provider.